I was talking to a friend of mine the other day (who is not aware of this blog - none of my "local friends" are aware of it) who is about to return to work following the birth of her first child. Since I can't say what I feel directly to her without causing an argument that isn't worth it, I'm going to vent here.
She told me how lucky I was to stay home with the boys. She's told me this several times, ever since she first found out she was pregnant. It's not in a complimentary way either. It's more of a whiny "I want to stay home, but my husband doesn't make enough, I make too much, it's just not feasable" way. In a way that is somehow supposed to make me feel badly about my "good luck". Mind you we worked at the same company, and I am aware of how much she makes, how much her husband makes, and how much her monthly budget is (before purchasing a home a few years ago she wanted me to look at their finances to make sure it was economically feasible - so I have a very thorough knowledge of their financial situation). I am not saying that she definitely can stay home. But her boss offered to let her work part-time and she whined about that. How she was so unlucky that her boss offered her this yet she had to turn it down.
The thing is that if she really wanted to she could stay home (again, I KNOW their finances) or at least take advantage of the work part-time offer. And she seems to conveniently forget that I did work full time until shortly after Thing One's 3rd birthday. And that like her, I was outearning my husband at that time. So, how did I get so lucky to stay home? Did I win the lottery? Did my mortgage company decide to forgive our debt and live in our house for free? Uh, no. So then how did it happen?
We made a plan, we took a breath, and then we leaped. I gave up a very large salary (and I'm not so tactless to post my earnings here, but trust me, it was a lot to give up). But we had also planned ahead. Saved our money. Realized we'd have to cut back on some of our spending (oh how I miss the merry maid service!) And then (and this is the big one, the hardest one of all for a financial control freak like me) I realized that it was okay if we had to dig into our savings from time to time to make this happen. I didn't say use up our savings, but we've definitely had to dip into it from time to time.
I'm not an advocate of either staying home, or working full-time. I'm an advocate of making choices in your life that make you happy. Note I didn't say in making your children happy, but in making you happy. Because I firmly believe that if I'm a happy person, a positive person, then my children are also going to learn to be happy and positive too. That HOW I live my life will teach them more than anything I SAY to them. That if I believe that anything I want is possible and live my life in a way that demonstrates that, then they will learn this too. I'm an advocate of put up or shut up. That if you're miserable, take steps to make things better - don't just spend your days up bitching about it. We all have bad days. I'm far from perfect. But I can at least acknowledge the fact that if I'm not happy it's up to me to figure out how to be happy - and not to spend my time focused on putting down others who are happy.
Which brings me back to my friend. She has a six figure balance in her savings account. Yet she still afraid to stop working full-time. Honestly a lot of this comes down to the fact that she was raised to be afraid. To focus on everything that can go wrong, instead of everything that can go right.
Quitting my job was, hands down, the scariest thing I've ever done. It was also one of the best decisions I've ever made.
Truthfully, I am lucky. I was born to parents who live their lives in a manner which showed me that life is about possibilities, not impossibilities. That if I want something to happen, I have the power to make it happen. I'm hesitant to post this because it sounds cocky - I don't think I'm cocky, I think I just believe that we all have the power to have what we want - we just need to get past that fear that stops us from trying to get it.
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7 comments:
You're exactly right. There are plenty of women who "need" to work, so whining annoys me when it comes from women I know could swing it if they just changed their priorities for a few years.
And if she's going to keep working because she wants to, she should own up to it and just say "working makes me happy." There's no crime in that.
thanks - I was afraid after I posted it that I came off badly, but you got it!
As the great Rupal once put it, "You'd better WOOOORK!" I haven't been reading your posts lately b/c I forgot you were even doing them. You know, since the tax season hiatus. Nice posts. Oh if only Thing 1 becomes a clown, then that wouldn't be good, but if Thing 2 were to join him- they could rename a whole new Circus after the duo!
When it comes to big life changes, I find that when people say they "can't" or they "could never" it just means that they don't want to. You'd be surprised at what you are actually capable of if you just suck it up and do it. I speak from experience...many times over.
Maybe your friend's husband should stay home with the kids if she makes so much more than him!
"I'm an advocate of making choices in your life that make you happy."
Yes! Me too! And I totally agree that you make your own happiness to a large degree. If your friend has that much money in her bank account and an offer to work PT and is STILL complaining that she can't stay home then she probably WANTS to keep working (and complaining).
mommy off the record - has it right I think. She just wants to keep working and wants to whine about it.
My wife and I are both civil servants, and although we aren't rolling in money, we are both senior enough that one of us could have stayed home for a year, maybe after soccer girl's birth.
BUT.
In my career field, which is law enforcement, it wasn't REALLY doabe for a number of reasons, and to tell you the truth, Mrs Gunfighter is highly sought after in her field... and she didn't get the Ph.D for nothin'.
Decision made... and our daughter, almost nine, is loving, compassionate, nurtured, and well-adjusted.
Your friend should just go to work if that is what she wants to do.
It's no crime.
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