For some unknown reason I have been using this phrase lately. I also tend to say "it's all good in the hood". I have absolutely no freakin' clue why I am channeling Snoop Dogg.
I have been stressed lately - for at least the past two weeks or so, maybe longer. I'm struggling with this because, quite honestly, I'm not one to stress. I generally look at things quite simply - either I can control it, or I can't. If I can control it then I do. If not, oh well. The problem is I'm not sure what I'm stressed about. I just feel this overwhelming sense of, well, being overwhelmed. I realize this is making no sense. Trust me - if it made sense I could deal with it. I think that what it comes down to is I'm trying to figure out what I want to do still and who I want to be. I'm happy I'm here with the boys. The time I'm spending with them is important. However one of my parenting "rules" is that I want to live my life in a way that demonstrates what is important. I don't want to tell them they can do anything, I want to live my life in a way that helps them see that anything is possible. I believe that firmly, and the reason I do is because I've watched my own parents live their lives like that.
Compounding the problem is that I'm actually really busy with tax work, busier than I've been since the spring. I'm just not so sure that's what I really want to do either. So my time is spent being mom and cramming in the work when I can, with no time to step back and analyze whether or not this is the direction I want to go in.
Yesterday I got an email from a former co-worker. They have now hired a third person to fill my old job. Don't misread that - it's not that they've had two others come and go since I left, they literally have three bodies doing the same work I used to do. Shizzle doggie drizzle.
In other news, Clint thinks he is Spiderman. He now uses this as an excuse for his behavior. It's why he was climbing the bookcase the other night. It's why he can't eat the rest of his dinner. Today I was trying to get him to put his jacket on and he told me "spiderman doesn't get cold". I refrained from telling him that "spiderman's mom could give a rat's ass - now get your f-in jacket on". See, I am a good parent. I just think the stuff, but don't say it.
Mind you this is the same kid who was asked (while wearing his spidey costume at a halloween party) if he could climb the walls. He looked at the woman as if she was an idiot and said "it's just a costume".
8 comments:
oh steph - you're musing on my favorite topic - that existential crisis of who am i? what am i doing with my life?
i have no words of wisdom as I am deep within that struggle of my own - but what has helped is time alone to figure out what I truly value (yes, total west coast new-age workshop I did - but it helped, really!)... if you're interested, i'll email you more about the process we went through to discover it, and integrate it into our lives...
or, you can come travel with me as I go around the globe next year, as i ready myself to quit my job without a single person to support me, and go graciously into debt to enter what I'm tentatively calling "the school of life - a Master's Degree in living"...
I think this overwhelmingness/angst is a normal part of the mid-thirties. Maybe because that middle-age marker deadline is right around the corner---we all have this picture of what we "should" be doing/have done by a certain age, and when life works out differently, we tend to think "huh? what happened here?" Heck, even if we are doing what we thought we'd be doing, there's still the "how did I get here/is this really what I want?" that creeps in and messes with your brain. Finding the time to reflect on it all is definitely a challenge, I agree. You used to be a "walker" in college---are you still doing that? if not, could you do that to buy yourself some reflection time? Just a thought. Good luck!
well jeez, i should have asked you guys weeks ago...you came to the same conclusion I finally did. I haven't walked in months due to a heel/ankle injury - I biked this summer because it wasn't as stressful on my heel then stopped in September. The other day I went for a short walk and when I got home immediately told Tony that was my problem - I need to walk again. It always has been my way of getting alone/reflection time. I literally felt better after that 15 minute walk than I had in weeks...
No, no, no! You've got it all wrong...it has NOTHING to do with you not walking or exercising. It's the fact that the Maneater is still single at 27, (an age at which all of her older sister had been married by) and you are stressed that she might not ever get married and move home so she can watch your kids for hours while you "do work". Well don't worry about that anymore...I'll find someone...someday...we hope. Ok maybe you should keep worrying about that. J/K :)
Love,
Maneater
wrong. I don't remotely worry about that with the maneater. I'm just proud of her for not settling, and for recognizing her own worth.
It's the Hobe I worry about marrying off...
AWWWW! Thanks big sis! That means a lot to me! And don't worry about the Hobe cause I got him together with Million Dollar Baby! ;) Check out my myspace pics...I put some new ones up. Have a good week and I'll talk to you when I get back from my class trip. Hope I don't run into any BEARS!!!
Maneater
Ahhhh the "walk of life" Dire Straits said it best. I will walk with you when I get back in t-minus 11 days. Unless of course that defeats the whole "alone time" thing.
Or maybe you need a BKDH "vacation weekend" you may never be the same again!
Can't wait to hear about the Hobe and his conquest. Hopefully no dirty sanchez was involved.
Maneater will find the man of her dreams one day. Just when she's not looking and not when she's pretending not to look;)
Oh yeah I almost forgot- I'm heading to Miami this weekend- I'll tell Diddy & Shaq hola for you!!!
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