Seven Phone Numbers and a Funeral

So “the Maneater”, my youngest sister, calls me today with an update on her life as a single girl. She tells me that in the past week she’s had seven guys ask for her phone number. Wow – I say – where? Well, she tells me, two of the requests were at a funeral…

In my family weird shit happens at wakes/funerals. It’s gotten to the point where we actually have a contest now called “Quote of the Wake”. Had the rest of us been there I’m sure being asked out at a funeral would have won the quote of that wake (or funeral, as it were). I’ll share a couple of other winners from this past year…

My 2nd cousin’s wake. Sister (and that part is key to understanding just how wrong this is) of deceased asks my brother-in-law if he’s still playing professional football. When he tells her yes. Her reply: “Really? Oh, can I get your autograph?”

Runner up for the same wake – my grandmother (the deceased’s aunt) is overcome by grief and literally is in the casket hugging the dead (grandma wasn’t real tall, so it took some effort). Quote of the wake: my mom as she’s leaving “and one of you kids keep your grandmother from climbing in that damn casket again”.

Grandma’s wake – one of our possibly homeless cousins tells my sister “You guys should be honored - I actually showered today for this.”

Runner up for Grandma’s wake – the same cousin asks me if I’m having any more children. No, I say – how about you? “Oh no, I’ve been spayed.”