My Con

I frequently feel like a child pretending to be an adult. In fact, I've almost always felt that way. The only time I didn't necessarily feel this discomfort was when I was in college. But I felt it big time when I graduated, and started wearing a suit to work. From that point on I've felt like I'm pulling off some sort of con on the world. They all see me as an adult - but underneath it all I'm not.

There are moments where I look around my beautiful house, and at my kids, and my husband and wonder "How the hell did I get here??? (wait - isn't that a talking heads song?) Is this really all my stuff??? Am I actually responsible for the care and raising of these two human beings??? Did someone not notice that I am really not the best person to be doing this??? Who thought I could handle all of this?

Oh, wait. Must have been me. Who knew?

But seriously, I really do not know how I got here. Here is a great place - don't misunderstand the thrust of this post. I just feel like I'm a kid playing dress-up, and that someday someone is going to stop me cold and say "you know, this really isn't your life. You belong back at the cheesy 90's disco with a Miller Lite in your hand".

What is so interesting about this is that I've always appeared to be quite the grownup. As a child I wasn't much of a child. For the most part, in my family I've always been "the responsible one". I was serious, and I was scholarly, and I was more interested in books than anything else. As a result I skipped the 6th grade. So I've spent many years being one year younger than my peers. I've often wondered if that's why I feel this way? But if that's the case, when does it end? For crap's sake, I'm 34 now. Am I going to be 65 with grandkids and wondering why they all legitimately think I should be a grandmother? Does everyone feel this way or is it just me?