You Get What You Pay For

So, one of my character traits is that I am cheap. Actually, I tend to be willing to spend exorbitant amounts of money for certain items that I think need to be high quality, but I'm a cheap ass for everything else. One thing that burns me is the fact that when you go to the eye doctor, they charge you a contact lens “fitting fee”. Even if you’ve seem the same Ophthalmologist for the past five years, they still hit you with this fee (this, my friends, is known as highway robbery). Last time I checked my iris’ stopped expanding around the 10th grade. So effectively this is just a surcharge for the convenience of wearing contact lenses. The last time I went to the eye doctor, 18 months ago, the fitting fee was around $100 – and it pissed me off. So at a recent trip to Walmart, I noticed the eye store and thought to my self “self – why don’t you go see what they charge”. So I did. Aforementioned fitting fee was $30 – so I made an appointment. Yes, I realize that this is Walmart. But in my monetarily frugal mind, I would be bringing the contact lens brand that I currently wear with me, so I wasn’t asking anyone at Walmart to truly fit me, I was just using them for a cheaper prescription.

As it turns out, my irises are indeed the same size, so no worries there. However, there was an actual eye exam performed. Let me describe said exam:

Step 1 – Goth girl takes me to get that puff of air in your eye test done. My “Eye Care Technician” spent most of the time asking me if I’d ever seen Clerks 1, Clerks 2, Dogma, and every other Kevin Smith movie ever made. I have indeed seen Clerks – approximately 10 years ago. Therefore when she started talking in great details about the characters as if they were her personal friends, I was really lost. The puff in the eye test took about ten minutes because of this. I should have just stood up and told her I voted for Bush, and I would have been in and out in 45 seconds. But not me, oh no, I try to be polite and relate to everyone…

Step 2 – Examination by an eye doctor who prolly got his medical degree back when monocles were the preferred choice in eyewear. So I then go for the actual eye exam (what is clearer – this one…or this one). As the doctor is handing me the black spoon thingy you use to cover one eye, his hand is shaking so much that a) I thought he was going to whack me in the head with the device and b) I wasn’t sure which eye he wanted me to cover first since he was waving the thing between both eyes. During the midst of this I’m desperately trying to see the year of graduation on his diploma that’s hanging on the wall, but since he has my glasses I can’t make it out. So I start asking about his practice – turns out Dr. Geezer retired for almost two years, then got tired of his wife who at the age of 77 “is starting to lose it” he decided to come back and work part-time. Oh boy. This takes approximately 45 minutes because he seems totally confused by all the newfangled devices used to conduct an eye exam. He also tells me that it’s really nice that all of us girls will get to see Hillary Clinton run, but that we shouldn’t vote for her because it’s a man’s job. Seriously. I wish I was exaggerating any portion of this exam, but I’m not.

We then go and chat with eye specialist number two, who clearly is the guide dog in the contact lens prescription write-up. Because my actual prescription did change (I actually got .5 better in each eye – something I directly attribute to no longer spending 9 hours a day five days a week in front of a computer monitor) I was required to go back a week later. Which allowed me to find a way to check the diploma date for Dr. Geezer. He was a proud graduate of Ophthalmology School in 1956. Jesus. I’m lucky he didn’t try to give me a polio shot on my way out the door.
Lesson learned – pay the freakin’ $100 contact lens fee